


MY NAME IS DEATH & I LIVE.

by mackaroni



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-25 08:27:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14973161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mackaroni/pseuds/mackaroni
Summary: His name is Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III -- but you can call him Percy. And if he's clouded by the shadows of a being he doesn't understand, you can call him Death, for that's what he brings behind him.





	MY NAME IS DEATH & I LIVE.

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! i'm zee and welcome to my angst! this is my first work that i'm putting on ao3, and it just happens to be poetry that i wrote while watching/listening to the entirety of the percy/briarwood arc of critical role campaign one. this also incorporates my headcanons for a selectively mute percy, which i'll be incorporating into things in the future. when i write percy too, he'll be writen as trans. i'm hoping to post more fics and poetry in the future, especially about vox machina (until i listen to cr2 that is, because then it'll be all the mighty nein). anyways, i hope you guys enjoy! <3 <3 -- zee

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when they find you. you’re not especially  
inclined to answer the questions of course, because you’ve been dealing with your own personal  
demons for all too long. your hands are shaking when you reply, and they seem to understand  
your answers, not calling you on your bullshit. you’re at least thankful for that much.

  1. _what is your name?_  
_a. ( **<** percival fredrickstein von musel klossowski de rolo iii **>** they let you_  
_sign the whole thing, at least. most people don’t anymore. you wouldn’t_  
_have answered verbally anyways, you haven’t spoken since it happened_  
_anyways. )_  
_b. after a second, the half elven male smiles slightly, signing back. **<** i’ll call_  
_you percy. **>  **( you smile. she used to call you that. )_
  2. _why are you here?_  
_a. ( you don’t answer. it’s better if they don’t know. it’s better if you don’t_  
_know either, but it’s too late for that. )_
  3. _would you like to come with us?_  
_a. ( after a second, you nod. **<** yes, i think i’d like that. **> ** )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when you hear their name after so many years.  
you weren’t expecting it, but you should have been, because you know they’ve been alive.  
but this is the chance to actually confront them. this is the time for you to get you revenge, to put  
the gun in their mouth and pull the fucking trigger. vengeance whispers in your ear. _it’s time._

  1. _does that name mean something to you? you don’t exactly seem okay. your teeth_  
_haven’t stopped clenching since the seeker mentioned it._
  2. _percival, is everything alright?_
  3. _percy?_  
_a. ( **<** everything’s fine. let’s go to vasselheim. we have work to do. **>** )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when you tell them everything. it’s hard and  
you don’t pick your head up, hoping that your fingers are making the right signs, because you  
can’t bear to look them in the eyes right now. they know you’ve been through trauma -- they help you  
through your occasional panic attacks and periods where you can’t speak. they defend you  
when you need it most, and you’ve gained their trust. but you can’t help but feel like you’re  
betraying them because you’ve kept this a secret. you don’t want them to come, though. you’re  
going to get them all killed for your path of revenge, but it’s screaming inside you. you can’t stop.

  1. _what happened to you?_  
_a. ( **<** the briarwoods killed my entire family. i am the sole survivor of the_  
_de rolo family. **>** you sign your story, hoping they don’t ask too many _  
_questions. your memory is hazy anyways -- and it’s filled with revenge._  
_you can’t stop the vengeance. )_
  2. _what really happened that got you put in that cell, locked up like that?_  
_a. ( **<** i tried to kill anna. i didn’t succeed. i will next time. i promise. **> ** )_
  3. _are you truly ready to face them again?_  
_a. ( you don’t know the answer so you don’t speak. they understand. )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when you fail. the court is in jeopardy, and  
now that you have attempted to fire upon them _( your own scream of his name rings through_  
your head ) , your party and their reputation is in danger. you weren’t prepared to kill them  
because you didn’t know what they were -- vampires. you probably could have known but you  
can’t remember much from those days. only the arrows that pierced her back.

  1. _did you know what they were? when they attacked the castle, did you know_  
_what they were?_
  2. _the council has taken away our seats -- do you want to clear our name? or_  
_would you like to go after them?_
  3. _what do you need us to do?_  
_a. ( you wish you didn’t have to answer any of those questions because you_  
_don’t want them to come with you. you already almost lost the man that_  
_your heart yearns for, taking him away from his sister. but they love_  
_you, gods you wish they didn’t. because it means they’re coming with_  
_you, no matter what happens. it means one of them could die, percival --_  
_it means you could lose them. )_  
_b. ( **< ** i want them all to die. ** >** ) **< ** we can do that, percival. **>**_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when you kill the first and you tell them  
everything -- once again. this time, the betrayal hurts more. you’ve been lying. you’ve been lying  
about the smoke from your dreams. you didn’t think it was real. _it isn’t real. it wasn’t real_. it  
wasn’t enough for you then, and it’s not enough for you now.

  1. _what the fuck was that coming out of you?_  
_a. ( **< ** something cruel. something i didn’t think was real. ** >** )_
  2. _what did you do? oh gods, did you make a deal? with who?_  
_a. ( I DON’T KNOW! … i- **<** i don’t know, i’m sorry, i don’t know. ** > **)_
  3. _are you in control? do we… need to take care of you?_  
_a. ( yes, gods, yes. my creations are too much, i cannot -- i do not know if i_  
_am in control. you will need to stop me, please. )_
  4. _percival… are you okay?_  
_a. ( oh i will be. )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when they tell you she’s alive. you’re ignoring  
your feelings at the moment, even though inside of you, you’re screaming. she’s screaming in  
your head too when she was felled by the arrows. you contain your grin for now because you  
don’t need it distracting you. not now, not for awhile.

  1. _cassandra de rolo… she was your sister. right?_
  2. _she’s the one who helped you escape?_
  3. _are you excited to meet her again?_
  4. _younger, right? how much younger?_
  5. _… do you think she’s okay up there? with the briarwoods and everything?_  
_a. ( you make a plan for rebellion rather than answering. )_



**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when you see her. your stomach plummets  
into oblivion, feeling like it will never come back from where it’s fallen. it’s her. the woman that  
dug knives under your skin and caused pain just because she wanted to. _because she wanted  
you to feel it _. you want to burst into tears, but instead rage builds instead.

  1. _is this her, percival?_  
_a. ( there doesn’t need to be an answer. they know. )_
  2. _ah -- percy. have you come back to me?_  
_a. ( your rage builds more. you’ve never felt such fire. )_
  3. _don’t you want to see your sister? don’t you want to take your revenge on the_  
_people who stole your family from you?_  
_a. ( **< ** always. as long as you’re aware that you’re on that list too. ** >** )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when you kill the second, and you see her  
when you thought she was dead and gone. you don’t talk to her at first -- hell, you don’t even  
look at her, as you drop to the floor, letting the smoke dissolve. you’re scared of what she’s going  
to say about it, but you don’t know anymore. finally, after watching something you didn’t want  
to see _( he probably loves her -- best not to get in between her and that )_ you manage to steel  
yourself and hug her, showing each other the special signs you’ve made each other, and for a  
second it feels okay.

  1. _percy? oh my god, you’re alive?_  
_a. ( **< ** i am. oh, cassie. **>** )_
  2. _are you in control of yourself, percival?_  
_a. ( **<** yes. i am. ** > **)_
  3. _here’s something -- anna’s gone. those fuckers are downstairs. what next?_  
_a. ( i say we go kill them. what do you all think? )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when she shows you that she’s not who she  
says she is. you barely survive and you lose your heart in more than one way. it doesn’t look like  
she wanted this but she said she was dead when you left her there. but you didn’t want to. fuck,  
this fucking hurts, and he’s gone too, his own sister mourning. it’s all your fault. why can’t you  
learn to read things as they are? no, no one asks that to you directly, they all know you can’t look  
past a sibling’s love. but still -- it’s your fault.

  1. _no one predicted this? how did no one see this coming?_  
_a. ( **< ** i trusted her. it’s my fault, all of this is my fault. i’m so sorry. **>** )_
  2. _is vax going to be okay? that thrall, seeker was under it. can he make it?_  
_a. ( you don’t know. nothing will calm vex down though. so you know it’s_  
_better just not to say anything. )_
  3. _percy… we’re going to have to fight her. are… are you prepared for that?_  
_a. ( you don’t know. you wish that maybe cass had died in the snow._  
_because then she wouldn’t have been a prisoner. because then you_  
_wouldn’t have to look her in the eye and pull your gun out. the blank_  
_chamber won’t be for her. but it is. that’s not something you can change._  
_it’s all it’s decision. )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when he’s finally fucking dead, and she’s with  
you on the brink of death, and _she’s_ with you and you no longer trust her. even though you didn’t  
deliver the final blow, his name is gone. and you try to gain back her trust, but it looks like she  
hates herself almost as much as you do. but then you’re realizing something -- you don’t want  
this. you hate this. you hate this so much and you don’t know if you trust the thing you didn’t  
think was real. all you know is that you won’t kill your sister, and if it’s not happy with that, then  
it can take your soul instead. still, it’s over. you’re free from the forces that took them, and now  
there is nothing more they can do to the people of your home. you’re so sorry you could do  
something earlier.

  1. _so are we killing her or not? what are we supposed to do with her now?_  
_a. ( it wants you too. your gun is burning. your entire figure feels like it’s_  
_burning. you want to but you don’t know if you always did. )_
  2. _and what about cassandra, huh? she betrayed us, she --_  
_a. ( **<** i’m aware. and she’s going to answer our questions. and then we can_  
_decide what to do with her. **>** you wish you never had to say this, but she_  
_betrayed you. she was working with them. your bones are screaming. )_  
_b. ( you hesitate before signing to her. **< ** you’re still my sister. **> ** ) slowly,_  
_she signs back. **<** i’m still a de rolo. **>**_
  3. _ah, so you want to change the deal, do you now? you are aware it doesn’t work_  
_like that, sweet percy? no, no. the name stays._  
_a. ( YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE ME INSTEAD. I’M NO LONGER_  
_SATISFIED WITH OUR DEAL. )_  
_b. ( your friends have been watching you talk to air. )_
  4. _percival, do we need to restrain you?_  
_a. ( no. i’m fine. i swear. )_  
_b. ( you start signing that you’re fine to yourself in your pocket, fingers_  
_moving quickly as you seemingly shake -- you need to tell yourself that_  
_and maybe that’s sad but it’s all that’s keeping your skin on your body. it_  
_feels like you’re going to tear apart at any second. why won’t you stop_  
_shaking? why? )_
  5. _why did you take my silas from me?_  
_a. ( **<** you took away my father, frederick. my mother, johanna. my_  
_brothers and sisters, julius, vesper, oliver, whitney, ludwig, and_  
_cassandra. you know why i took him away. and soon you’ll be taken_  
_away as well. **>** )_
  6. _are you sure you don’t want to smoke this bitch? what is the plan?_  
_a. ( you attempt to make a plan before you feel it calling to you. your gun is_  
_hot, practically burning when you look over at delilah, still alive but_  
_barely. you don’t want to do it. it doesn’t like that answer and pulls free_  
_of your mind for the first time. you see what’s been haunting your_  
_nightmares. )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when you’ve been lying again. it wasn’t like  
you could exactly help it -- you were convinced that it wasn’t real but now that it’s a physical  
being of shadow that has given itself a name, you’re not convinced anymore. and your friends  
are fighting it, getting hurt by its powers, and maybe you should have told them. but what could  
you have said? well, you thought you’d told them everything but apparently not. and now there’s  
hell to pay.

  1. _percy, who were you speaking to?_  
_a. ( you have to ask them. **<** you didn’t hear the voice? **> ** when they shake_  
_their heads no, you know you looked a madman, but the voice was right_  
_there. it was right there. )_  
_b. ( **< ** he wants them to die. i don’t know if i want that anymore. i’m so_  
_scared. **>** )_
  2. _what’s going on, percival? what did you do?_  
_a. ( i made a deal. a deal i didn’t think was real. a dream, okay? please_  
_don’t pretend you understand what i’ve gone through either, and try to_  
_judge me for what i’ve done. i do that plenty for myself. )_
  3. _it clearly wasn’t a dream so what’s going on?_  
_a. ( how many times will you have to tell them you don’t know? )_
  4. _oh god -- what the fuck is that?_  
_a. ( it’s him. )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY ASK YOU** when it’s all over. and god, it’s all over.  
watching the blade sink into her stomach was satisfying, even though you had to pull her off, her  
shaking form of the sister you love so much. you pull her into a hug _( and she knows you never  
initiate touches ) _ and thank the stars that you were able to finish what planned for five years.

  1. _shall we go down and tell the people to stop fighting? i believe we’ve secured a_  
_victory for the rebels._  
_a. ( yes, i do believe that would be useful. the briarwoods are dead. )_
  2. _percy… are you sure you’re okay? can i see your gun?_  
_a. ( you don’t trust anyone with pepperbox, your list, but you carefully give_  
_scanlan your pistol. before your very eyes, he throws it into the acid, and_  
_you fall to your knees. you feel yourself freed from the cold within you,_  
_and maybe that means the smoke is gone. but still… )_  
_b. ( **<** oh my god. that was the most expensive thing i owned. holy shit._  
_scanlan, i swear to god, i’m going to murder you. **>** )_
  3. _what happened down there?_  
_a. ( **<** the briarwoods are gone but there’s something darker down there._  
_we need to take care of it as soon as possible. **>** you don’t tell them how _  
_your heart feels like it’s going to explode. you don’t know how to say_  
_what you’re feeling at all. )_
  4. _will you stay? just until the festival? we can help you clear your name, as much_  
_as we possibly can._  
_a. ( yes of course. it… it would be our honor. )_



 

**THESE ARE THE THINGS THEY DIDN’T ASK YOU** at the end of all of it though, so you  
ask the questions to yourself. because at the end of the day, you still hate yourself. you don’t  
have him, you’re still shakily building trust back with her, and _she’s_ still out there. you don’t  
know what you’re going to do.

  1. _what should be done about anna?_
  2. _can your sister be trusted?_
  3. _… can you be trusted?_
  4. _well… what’s next?_



**_——————————————————————————_ ** my name is death  & i live.


End file.
